Chastity Monkey

First Edition of The Republic (signed by author)

Filed by wavelet at 1:04 pm under Uncategorized
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Yesterday, something went bust with the building’s plumbing, so I found myself standing in a fairly sizable pool in our bathroom, frantically bailing out dirty water from the sink, which was overflowing whenever anyone ran the water in the flat upstairs. Was the upstairs neighbor going to answer the doorbell while he took a long and leisurely shower? Of course not!

Today, the house smells of mildew and the temperature outside has dropped to the 50s. Does our heater work? No.

I think of these experiences as a way of getting in touch with the lives of our urban Irish immigrant ancestors.

Filed by wavelet at 12:46 pm under Outer Richmond
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Now that little Bertie is more mobile, we have to start baby proofing the apartment in earnest. Unfortunately, our apartment was built back in the 1920s, when they were still doing things like giving kids healthful serums containing morphine/cocaine/laudanum, or forcing them to make artificial flowers in crowded sweatshops. The good old days, embodying the true spirit of capitalism! Ron Paul would approve.

Anyway, at the time, the considerations of child safety in building construction were minimal. For example, as in most older San Francisco apartments, there are a superfluity of doors. Our dining room has, seriously, four doors. Well, one is gone. But the remaining three are composed of tiny individual panes of brittle plate glass. Just the ticket for multiple ER trips! And what can you do to baby proof the doors? We could take them off, I guess, but there is nowhere to store them. Could we sell them on Craigslist? Would our landlord notice?

These are all serious considerations. There are also Bertie’s attempts at baby led weaning (look it up, it’s the latest fad!), which he has elected to do by feeding himself fistfuls of cat fur and paint chips. Mmmmm. Sweet, sweet leaded paint chips.

Perhaps, given the challenges inherent in the alternative, we will end up instead adopting a more relaxed, cynical style of child rearing (think Evelyn Waugh). When Bertie attempts some life-endangering feat, we shall just raise our eyebrows at him and say “Oh, how tedious!” without leaving our arm chairs or putting down our drink.

Filed by wavelet at 5:55 pm under baby
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This was modified from a recipe for a zucchini stew. It’s quite tasty if I do say so myself.

1 onion, chopped
2 medium-sized zucchini, sliced fairly thin
1 large can diced tomatoes
1/4 cup fresh basil, chopped
3 cloves of garlic, diced
2 de-boned fillets of fish (tilapia or the like) cut into 1 inch chunks
1/4 cup olive oil
Salt and pepper to taste
Grated Parmesan

Make steamed rice on the side, enough for four people

In a dutch oven or large pot, cook the onion in the olive oil until translucent. Add the garlic and stir for about a minute. Add the tomatoes (juice and all) and zucchini. Simmer until it has reduced somewhat (around ten minutes). Stir in basil and fish. Cover and cook until fish is cooked through and begins to flake. Season with salt and pepper, serve over steamed rice. Top with grated Parmesan.

Filed by hebewegian at 12:39 pm under Uncategorized
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The second batch of beer is in the primary fermenter right now. The first, an amber ale, is finished. Tastes pretty mediocre. Not as bad as Budweiser or Coors, but still a little off.

I have high hopes for the second batch, though. It smelled better, boiled better, and fermented so hard during the first 24 hours that it blew all the water out of the airlock.

Mm. Beer. Once I get good I’ll have to start making labels.

Filed by hebewegian at 4:57 pm under Uncategorized
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I’m standing at the hotel bar. It’s 7:30 in the morning, and despite the fact that it’s a high-end Marriott, this hotel has no complimentary coffee. So I’m forced to order Starbucks from the bar.

A very tall woman (or possibly man who had some surgeries in Thailand?) walks up next to me. She’s dressed in a cowboy hat, lace-up tank-top, and skintight jeans and tall leather boots.

“Two vodka martinis, so filthy a porn star would blush,” she demands of the bartender. Turning to me, she adds, “And you’re having one.”

I muttered something like, “uh, no thanks, ma’am”, scooped up my coffee and ran. Likethe wind.

Welcome to L.A.

I was down in SoCal for the BEA, the biggest book expo and conference in the US of A. Tons of celebrities signing books, such as Alec Baldwin (he’s telling us how to be dads, you pigs), Barbara Walters (spilling her guts), Leonard Nimoy (photography of nekkid fat ladies), and Hugh Hefner (flaunting his shameful life–”Who has two thumbs and has exploited more women than Casanova? This guy!”).

L.A. has always had a veneer of unreality to it, at least when I’ve visited. Everything is just a little too slick, unless you’re in the outer areas, which then are kind of frightening in a way Oakland only wishes it could be. So it wasn’t a surprise that most everything at the BEA relied on artifice and gimmick.

L. Ron Hubbard’s early pulp fiction was being promoted by a British swing band dressed as pirates. Various comic book characters wandered around. A screen with a computer-animated donkey promoted a Christmas book, and a huge tour bus painted with various bosomy maidens and kilt-clad highlanders promoted trashy romance novels. One of my favorites, from the outer rim of the conference hall that all the Ron Paul types and conspiracy theorists had been banished to, was a fellow who had written a book titled “The Death of Freedom”. It was promoted with a faux corpse wearing a t-shirt that read “FREEDOM” in a wheelchair that the author piloted around the hall. Might as well go literal. Across the way from him, a liver-spotted old man leered over copies of his book, the cover of which showed a woman, naked from the waist down, standing in front of a stove. It purported to tell the reader how to cook in such a way that a woman (not unlike the book cover) would drop trou whilst still in your kitchen.

Aside from the kooks and the cooks, there were tons of other authors around. Clinton from “What Not to Wear” signed books for a suspiciously large line of men who, as I passed, each seemed to have a wonderful wife back home who would “just ADORE this! Thanks! Can I give you my card?” Anne Rice was promoting a new book on conversion. And Bill Shatner was there, signing his autobiography. I got it signed to Wavelet (and I didn’t try to pass my card). The Shat, so far as I could tell, does not wear a hairpiece. Looks more like plugs.

I was there for the full three days. It was definitely a learning experience. One thing learned–probably not the best idea to try and promote Catholic books with a life-sized pope cutout. Unless there’s an eight-piece swing band dressed as Swiss Guards backing a Benedict impersonator who’s belting out Dan Schutte remixed, it’s probably not going to make as big a stir as you need. Ah well. There’s always next year.

Filed by hebewegian at 11:33 pm under travel
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When I was walking Bertie around the neighborhood on various errands today, we ran into a strange school parade. At first, it seemed like the Amish had made a break for it, given the long beards, sideburns, and bowler hats on the male teachers.  However, it was actually the kids from our local Hebrew school. The kids were carrying signs that read “Proud to be a Jew!” and chanting “We don’t want to wait for Moschiach! We want Moschiach* now!” For emphasis, a faux cable car bus was driving slowly next to the kids, piloted by an orthodox Jewish guy (also in a bowler), who was ringing a bell to keep time.

Hebrew schools are awesome. I want to send Bertie to one. Except, since he isn’t circumcized, he might get teased in the locker room.

*Moschiach means Messiah

Filed by wavelet at 10:22 pm under Outer Richmond
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I’ve been cooking a lot lately, and Wavelet has urged me to start writing down some of the recipes I’ve come up with. So here’s:

Hebewegian’s Easy (and cheap!) Pizza Margherita.

This makes two medium sized pizzas.

1 can diced tomatoes
2 Roma tomatoes, sliced thin
1 bunch fresh basil, chopped
Log of fresh mozzarella, sliced into thinnish rounds
Grated Parmesan
Oregano
Salt
Olive Oil
Pizza dough for crust (I’m lazy and get it at Trader Joe’s for two bucks per pizza)

Preheat the oven to 375.

With a blender or food processor, pulse the canned tomatoes and some of the juice. Add some oregano to the tomatoes as you pulse them.

Flatten the pizza dough on a baking sheet, using flour to prevent it from getting sticky.

Spread the tomato mixture on the pizza. Add the basil, then set the sliced Roma tomatoes at intervals. Space them out fairly well–it’ll be soggy if they’re too close. Add the mozzarella rounds in the spaces left behind. Sprinkle the grated Parmesan over the pizza and add a bit of salt to taste. Drizzle some olive oil over the top. (you can do this after baking if you want a fresher olive oil taste).

Bake for around twenty minutes, rotating once. Check to make sure the crust is just beginning to brown. Remove from oven, let cool, slice and eat!

If Roma tomatoes aren’t in season, omit them and just use some of the diced tomatoes without processing them. Off season tomatoes tend to be mealy and gross.

The simplicity of this pizza is key. Don’t add extra stuff like onions, salami, garlic, etc. Just keep it simple. Trust me–it’s tasty.

Filed by hebewegian at 12:58 pm under Uncategorized
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This weekend I completed two projects: setting up the new computer system and getting the homebrew into the primary fermenter.

Our old powerstrip that the computer paraphernalia plugged into bit the dust, so I took Bertie down to Ace and bought a formidable Belkin surge protector—a hunk of metal that looks like it could survive the combined ravages of a zombie holocaust and a nuclear meltdown. I mounted this behemoth on the side of the desk and hoisted the new 70+ pound computer (named Mongo) on top. We are ready. For something.

I also sat through a home brewing class last Monday that was taught by a fellow who looks like a 300 pound version of Uncle Jesse. After asking the class if anyone thought to bring him some weed, and after he had fixed a pipe for a good long puff, he launched into a rambling account of how to make homebrew. I have a recipe for a European Amber Ale, and it’s now burbling nicely in a plastic bucket down the hall.

I am all that is man.

Filed by hebewegian at 5:02 pm under Uncategorized
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We’ve started Bertie on sampling solid foods. The results have been mixed. So far, he loves chewing on celery and paper napkins. He’s not that big a fan of avocado, though:

Filed by wavelet at 2:02 pm under Uncategorized
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